Harry Potter and the Search for Himself
by Tygerbrow
Summary: After the events at the Ministry, Harry needs to find out for himself what he wants and needs out of life.
1. Return to Privet Drive

**Harry Potter and the Search for Himself**

**Disclaimer: **I own not Harry Potter nor any other characters from this marvelous world. I could only hope to have the imagination and writing ability of J. K. Rowling. I am making no money off of this story.

**Author's note:** This is my first story. I don't know if it is good but the bug bit me and I had to write it. Reviews are welcome.

The ride home from Kings Cross Station was filled with a tense silence. Harry sat in the back seat sullenly watching his uncle's face change color due to what had happened at the station. It wasn't till they were almost home that Uncle Vernon said anything at all.

"Listen here boy," he hissed, "I better not have any trouble with you this summer! I don't care what your freak friends said. You will do your chores the same as always. Just make sure you send a message to _them_, because I will not have them showing up at my house. Are we clear on that fact, boy?"

"Yes Uncle Vernon." Harry replied sullenly.

The last little bit of the ride was finished in silence. Harry had barely noticed anything the whole ride and had almost not noticed Vernon saying anything to him at all.

he desperately wished that he could stop the thoughts and images that constantly replayed through his mind. He had had barely a moments peace since the disaster at the ministry. The entire sequence of events ran through his mind over and over again, starting with his 'Vision' of Sirius. He remembered Hermoine's warnings, the lie Kretcher had told him, how he had forgotten the mirror Sirius had given him. The fight in the Department of Mysteries, where he agonized over what had been and what he could have done to make it turn out better. Over and over again he saw Sirius fall through the veil in slow motion, Remus holding him back from going after him. The fight with Voldemort was no better. He had let him control him again! Then finally he remembered the 'talk' with Dumbledore in his office later that night.

His anger with Dumbledore hadn't abated since that night. He understood that Dumbledore was having a hard time, what with dealing with the Order, trying to guess what Voldemort was planning next, etc. etc. What he couldn't get past was that he hadn't told him important things that he needed to know. Harry's respect and trust for the Headmaster had been all but destroyed over the course of the last year, and the events in his office was just the icing on the cake.

'No more!' Harry thought. 'I'm not letting him run my life any longer.'

The car stopping in the driveway to Number 4 Privet Drive, and its being turned off, broke Harry from his thoughts. Looking around he noticed they were home, or at least what Dumbledore said was his home.

"Don't just sit there looking stupid boy!" Vernon said angrily. "Get your stuff out of the car and get it inside before the neighbors see!" Not once did his glare at Harry falter.

Getting out of the car slowly, Harry grabbed his trunk and Hedwig's cage. He dragged them into the house and up the stairs to his room. The Dursley's started ignoring him as soon as he was through the door. Once in his room, he put his trunk at the end of his bed and opened the door on Hedwig's cage.

"There ya go girl." he said softly to her. Looking at him she hooted and then nipped affectionately at his ear. She then turned to look at the window. Without a word, Harry walked over and opened it up.

"Have a good hunt." he whispered as she flew off. Leaving the window open for the moment, he turned and fell onto his bed. Kicking his shoes off without caring where they landed, he closed his eyes and prayed for a peaceful nights rest.

Quite a few hours later he awoke breathing hard and with a wild look in his eyes. It took him a few minutes to recognize where he was. Calming down quickly, he heard a hoot from his desk. Looking over he saw Hedwig looking at him in what he could only call an anxious manner.

"It's alright," he told her softly, "just another nightmare." Getting up he noticed that his clock read 2:37 in the morning. He walked over to the desk and sat down a bit shakily. Looking at Hedwig for a moment, he started to pet her and then to talk to her. "What should we do girl? I need to do something or I'm going to go crazy soon. Last summer was bad enough. I'm sure I don't have to tell you what I was like, do I?" He got a comforting hoot in return and then a light nip at his knuckles. "How am I going to make it through this one, Hedwig? I need to be doing something!"

Hedwig just hooted quietly and sat there letting him pet and talk to her. Harry spent the next couple of hours pouring out his heart to her. Things that he didn't dare tell nor even mention to his best friends. He talked about all his troubles and tried to figure out what he could do next. By the time he was finished he had a couple ideas to try.

"So what do you think girl? Tomorrow I'll owl Remus and see if he'll take us into Diagon Alley to pick up some books and stuff. Maybe, if I'm lucky, he'll know when we can get out of here." Harry chuckled softly when she perked up at the mention of a letter to deliver. "Thanks for listening to me Hedwig. You're the only one I know who will listen and not judge me. You love me unconditionally, as long as I have owl treats for you and letters to send!" Hedwig looked at him and hooted indignantly. Laughing again, he told her, "I know, I know. I was just kidding about the last part. Get some sleep before you have to take the letter in the morning, and before you get upset with me, I'll take that advice too."

Tiredly he walked over to his bed and laid down. He was feeling a bit better just having said what was weighing so heavily on his mind. Before he knew it, he slipped into the best sleep he'd had in months.


	2. A Letter to Remus

**Harry Potter and the Search for Himself  
**

**Disclaimer: **I own not Harry Potter nor any other characters from this marvelous world. I could only hope to have the imagination and writing ability of J. K. Rowling. I am making no money off of this story.

**Author's note:** This is my first story. I don't know if it is good but the bug bit me and I had to write it. Reviews are welcome.

Harry woke up to the smell of food that morning. Looking at the clock he saw that it was about 8:30. He slowly got out of bed and opened his trunk. Pulling out a set of clothes, he changed and headed downstairs to try to get some breakfast.

Upon entering the kitchen, the Dursley's stopped speaking and looked at him. Finally Aunt Petunia broke the silence.

"Don't just stand there. There's some food left over on the stove. Eat and be quick about it. I have your list of chores right here," she said shrilly, pointing to a piece of paper on the table.

Not waiting to let them decide otherwise, Harry quickly grabbed the piece of toast and the remaining slices of bacon. He walked over to the table and sat down across from Aunt Petunia. His aunt pushed the list across the table to him. While eating he looked down at the list.

**Chores**

Do dishes (Breakfast and Dinner) – Every Day

Mow the lawn

Weed garden

Clean bathroom

He didn't mind too much, seeing as how the chores weren't to bad. At the very least, it gave him something to do. Finishing up his small breakfast, he took his plate over to the sink and then started to collect the other dirty dishes. By the time the sink was full of water, Vernon had left for work and Dudley had wandered into the living room to watch the telly.

After finishing the dishes he dried his hands and headed back up to his room. He noticed Hedwig was still asleep, so he decided to go ahead and write the letter to Remus so it would be ready when she awoke.

Opening his trunk, he rummaged around untill he found some parchment, ink and a quill. Taking a seat at his desk, he contemplated how to start off. After a few minutes he finally started to write.

Remus,

How are you doing? As you probably already know, I got back to the Dursley's just fine. I know you probably are wondering how I am doing. It's hard to say exactly. I am doing OK, but at the same time I'm not. Don't worry if that doesn't make sense, I'm not sure what it means either. It is, however, part of the reason I am writing. I can't get my mind off of the things that happened at the end of last term. I need to be doing something, not just sitting here. I was wondering if maybe sometime within the next week if you would take me to Diagon Alley. I need to go to Gringotts and I want to go to a couple of stores to pick up some stuff. Mainly, and I don't believe that I am saying this, I want to go to Flourish and Blotts to pick up some books to read. Don't tell Hermoine or I'll never hear the end of it! I also would like to get some muggle money so that I have some for here. Maybe for some new clothes or something. Please let me know if it is possible to go or not. Also, and yes I know I only just got back here, do you know when Dumbledore will let me leave here. Hope to hear from you soon!

Harry (A.K.A. Bambi)

Harry signed the letter and looked pleased with the addition by the name. 'Let's see if he catches the reference!' he thought. 'If he does, maybe it will convince him to help me a lot more.'

Harry jumped in his seat suddenly from surprise when he heard a hoot from right beside him. Looking over, he saw Hedwig perched on the edge of the desk and looking at the finished letter.

"Don't scare me like that girl!" Harry said. "You ready for a delivery?" he asked her as he folded the letter and put it in an envelope. On the outside of it he wrote Moony. Attaching it to Hedwig's leg he told her, "Take this to Remus Lupin girl. Don't worry about waiting for a reply unless he askes you to."

Watching her fly off to complete the delivery, he sighed to himself. 'Time to finish the chores,' he muttered turning around and leaving the room.

The remainder of the day went by slowly for Harry. He completed his chores with no interuptions from the Dursleys. In fact, it seemed Dudley was actively avoiding him. If Harry walked into a room and Dudley was in it, he soon got up and left Harry alone in the room.

Dinner that night consisted of Vernon complaining about sales declining slightly, people running the government (and doing it badly), and anything else he took offense to. Petunia passed on the neighborhood gossip to anyone at the table who would listen and even those who wouldn't. Dudley sat quietly, stuffing his face with dinner. Harry was a bit surprised. While his portion was still smaller then anyone elses, it was still bigger than he had expected and was used to from them. He ate quietly and then cleaned up when everyone else was finished.

After he finished cleaning up, he went up to his room to get started on his homework. Opening the door to his room, he was pleased to note that Hedwig had returned. She didn't have a return note from Remus however, not that he had expected one. After greeting her he walked over and pulled out his transfiguration book and walked to the desk.

Harry thought it a bit funny and a bit unfair that he had any homework at all considering the fact he still didn't know how he had done on his OWLs. Until he received his results he wouldn't know what classes he had qualified to take next year. Even then, he would chose his classes then also, but McGonagall had called him into her officea couple days before term ended. She told him that if he still wanted to become an Auror, he would need to be ready for the classes he wanted to take. She then informed him that she expected a three foot long essay on the uses of transfiguration in a duel when he returned to school at the end of summer. Harry didn't mind too much since, while having second thoughts about being an Auror and working for the Ministry, the skills an Auror needed would be a definate help in his fight against Voldemort.

The next couple of days followed the same type of schedule for Harry. His sleep, while still troubled by nightmares, was better than it had been before he left school. He got up in the morning and had breakfast before starting the chores the Dursleys assigned him for the day. He had dinner at night and then went to his room to read and work on his homework or just read a bit before he went to bed.

Three days after he sent his letter to Remus he walked up to his room after breakfast to change clothes. Today he was supposed to paint the shed in the back yard. However, upon walking into his room, he found a plain brown owl sitting on his desk with two letters on its leg. Harry quickly walked over and removed the letters from the owl. He then gave it a couple owl treats for waiting patiently for him and then it flew off. Looking down at the envelopes, he realized that while one was from Remus, the other was from Dumbledore.

Deciding to open the one from Remus first and hoping it was a yes, he quickly read though it.

Harry (Bambi),

It is good to hear from you. You asked how I was, well to seal your line 'I'm doing OK but at the same time I'm not.' I understandexactly what you mean by that. I do like the reference to Bambi! However I must say, as a responsible adult, that you should not try to make it a reality. As a Marauder, I say 'Go for it, but don't tell me if you try until you are done!' Just so you know, I will deny that I wrote that if anyone asks me.

Unfortunately, on to the bad news portion of the letter. I am pleased that you asked me to take you to Diagon Alley. I went to Dumbledore and asked for permision to do as you requested. He is not allowing you to go unfortunately. I _am_ sorry about that. If you want to, tell me what books and subjects you are interested in. I will pick them up and send them to you. I even swear not to tell Hermoine or Ron either. I remember that I always had to drag James and Sirius to the library to work. You are like them in that you may read something you are interested in but you're not interested in quite the amount Hermoine would want you to.

I also talked to Dumbledore about how long you need to stay with the Dursleys this summer. His response was vague and ambiguous, so I cannot give you a day or even an estimate on when you could leave. If I do hear anything I will be sure to let you know as soon as I can.

One last thing Harry. I know how you must be feeling about the events at the Ministry. Please understand, Sirius wouldn't want you to dwell to hard or long on the results. He always said that he would gladly die to keep you safe. Greive for him, be upset for the loss but don't let this destroy you. He died for a cause he believed in and, more importantly to him, the chance to try to keep you safe. There is more than enough blame to go around. His death wasn't completely or even mostly your fault. The blame lands on many of us. I know I'm not Sirius but please know that if you need to talk about anything, I'm here. I'm also supposed to tell you that Tonks says 'Wotcher!'

Love,

Remus (Moony)

Upon finishing the letter, Harry didn't quite know what to feel. He was pleased that Remus wanted to hear from him and that he had tried to get permision to take Harry to Diagon Alley. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite as happy about the fact that he wouldn't take him even against Dumbledore's wishes

'I bet Sirius or even mum and dad would have taken me anyways!' Harry thought. Having a good idea what the other letter contained, he slowly opened it.


	3. A Letter and it's Aftermath

**Harry Potter and the Search for Himself**

**Disclaimer: **I own not Harry Potter nor any other characters from this marvelous world. I could only hope to have the imagination and writing ability of J. K. Rowling. I am making no money off of this story.

**Author's note:** Hello!?!? Waves weakly Is there anyone even reading this? If so a a word would be appreciated. Even if it just says your reading until I screw it up so badly I need to torch it. Lol Also, can anyone tell me why I can't seem to get more than one space between paragraphs in the story? Ah, well. On to the story

After opening Dumbledore's letter Harry read through it trying to keep his temper from exploding. 'Damn him,' Harry thought, 'I'm getting tired of his half baked explinations!' He looked over the letter again trying to find some more information in it or to even find an idea on what to do next.

_Harry,_

_You will be receiving this letter at the same time as you receive Remus' letter since I am sending both at the same time. Remus has just left my office in a bad mood due to my not allowing you to go to Diagon Alley. I am sorry but we can't risk it at this time. We don't know where Voldemort is at the moment. We can't afford to let him have even a chance of getting ahold of you. One of his Death Eaters could possibly see and grab you while you are in Diagon Alley. You need to stay close to your family this summer. Remember our conversation at the end of the school year. The blood magic is your only real full proof protection at the moment. I also need to tell you that you need to stay close to home over the summer unless in the company of your aunt._

_I have already told Remus that I will allow him to draw money from your account to buy things you request him to pick up for you. While I know that this probably does not please you, I feel it is for the best. Both for the reasons I have listed above and others that I cannot talk to you about at this time._

_Remus also conveyed your desire to know when you could leave the Dursley's, but I do not know the answer myself yet. The Burrow is not well enough protected and we are still trying to determine the extent to which Kreacher compromised the security of Headquarters. I would let you come to Hogwarts but it is school policy to not let students remain here during summer holidays. I can tell you that you will need to stay where you are till atleast around your birthday so that the protection may be fully recharged._

_Over the summer I need you to keep practicing your Occlumency training Harry. That training is imperative in preventing Voldemort from entering your mind and either sending you false information or finding information that must be kept a secret. Once you return to school in the fall you will resume your training with your previous instructor in the subject. I'm sure you realize the neccesity of this training._

_Additionally, I have already talked to Miss Granger, Mr. and Miss Weasley, Mr. Longbottom, and Miss Lovegood about their letters this summer. Of neccesity, I have informed them that all letters are to mention nothing of particular importance since their owls may be intercepted. All of them are being guarded this summer by the 'old crowd'. You need not worry for their safety. I have also arranged for you rowl results to be sent to Hogwarts, where I will forward them to you by safe courrior on your birthday._

_I hope your summer is as happy and safe as is possible under the circumstances._

_Your truly,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizards)_

After reading the letter a couple more times, Harry's temper hadn't abated in the least. His mind however, while not the strategic one he admired Ron for nor the genius that he thought so suited Hermoine, did what is always seemd to do when he was in a crunch. He suddenly had an idea on what to do for the summer. That was what always surprised and pleased him about his own mind. He would take various clues and come up with an explination for them or a plan of action on the spur of the moment. He did fully realize that it wasn't always the right explination or plan but could usually be counted on. He just wished, at times, it would happen in class more often

'Not a bad start to a plan,' Harry thought, 'just need to flesh it out a little. First order of business is to get money and supplies. Then I need to figure out how to get Dumbledore off my tail for awhile.'

Harry spent the rest of that day and the next in thought. He came up with quite a few ideas. Some he discarded as soon as they came to him, others he looked at and examined before discarding or holding on to them. One idea that while appealing, he discarded almost immediatley was about running away to the ends of the earth and forgetting all about the whole war. Irresponsible, illogical and absolutely unfeasable though it was, he wouldn't mind not having to worry about the war. By dinner that night he had a rough plan that he was ready to start to work with. He knew changes would occur, some of them on the fly, but it would give him some time to himself. Maybe it would even give him some perspective on life and let him siff if maybe Dumbledore had been in the least bit correct about how he dictated Harry's life. Harry had decided that though angry, he would be willing to entertain the idea that Dumbledore might in some way be correct. Lord knew Harry had been wrong about things before.

During dinner that night he started the first part of his plan. After eating part of his dinner and listening to his aunt and uncle talk while Dudley stuffed his face he addressed his family. "Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon?" he said.

"What do you want?" his uncle sneered at him. "Is the dinner not good enough for a freak such as yourself? Maybe we should be making you a meal fit for the bloody Queen!"

Surpressing his anger and trying his best to remain polite he answered calmly, "This food is fine Uncle Vernon. There is something else thou. Well... you see, I need to go to London sometime within the next few days."

"And why are you telling us this?" Aunt Petunia questioned warily. "You surely don't think we are going to take you, do you?"

"Well," Harry started slowly, "I didn't really think you would want to but I figured I would ask."

"Wait a minute boy." Uncle Vernon said suspiciously. "You don't seem to even care that we said no. What type of ideas do you have. You're not planning on doing any of your _freak _stuff are you?"

Taking a bite of his potatoes, Harry seemed to think about his answer briefly. "No Uncle Vernon, I'm not planning on doing any of my freak stuff. I just thought I would ask since you said you didn't want any of my 'friends' to show up at the house." He decided to forge on before his uncle could blow up, a distinct possibility if his rapidly purpling face was any indication. "The know I need to go to Charing Cross road in London. They sent me a letter asking what day would be the best for them to pick me up and take me. I remembered you telling me that you didn't want them at the house, so I wrote them back asking if I could have one of you drop me off and pick me up there. As I said, I felt you wouldn't want to but I needed to ask." He then proceeded to continue eating, acting like he thought the conversation was over with.

Uncle Vernon had started to sputter right about the time he stopped talking and Aunt Petunia had paled considerably. Dudley had a somewhat paniced and fearfull look on his face while one of his hands covered his mouth and the other inched towards his backside.

"You mean our only choices are to let those ruddy _freaks _come here to pick you up and bring you back or to take, drop you off, and then pick you up?" Uncle Vernon sputtered.

Harry made sure that his face registered a slight surprise when he answered. "Um, that's right. But I really didn't think that you would want to take me. It's allright. They said that they would prefer to pick me up anyways."

"And just how would they be picking you up?" Uncle Vernon asked suspiciously.

"They didn't tell me how they would be picking me up. We wouldn't be flying since it would be daylight, so I imagine that they might decide to hook up the fireplace again or maybe have us take the Knight Bus. Although I don't think it runs during the day." Harry expained, managing to look utterly clueless even though he was dying from laughter on the inside.

"Vernon, don't you think it would be better to just take the boy rather than let those... those _people _inside our house?" Aunt Petunia said with a trace of worry in her voice.

"Umm, Aunt Petunia, that's another thing I should tell you. They, well, they said that you would have to be the one to take me." Harry said quickly. Looking at the mixture of horror and disgust on her face he quickly pushed on. "They said you wouldn't even have to see them though. You could drop me off at the curb and pick me up at the designated time."

"What day are you supposed to go to London and from what time to what time?" Aunt Petunia asked wearily.

"They wanted me to write them tonight so that we could figure out what day exactly. Since today is Monday, they wanted to do it on Wednesday or Thursday. As for times, I need to be there by 9am but not more than 15 minutes early and I would leave at 1pm," Harry said in a tone that indicated he was repeating something that he had read word for word. Inwardly he was grinning estatically about how well the conversation was going.

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia glanced at each other quickly. Uncle Vernon then turned back to Harry before speaking. "Clean up the table and the dishes. Your aunt and I will talk about this while you are doing that. We'll be in the living room when you are done. We'll tell you then. Understand that boy?" Uncle Vernon said before getting up and leaving the room without waiting for Harry's response. He was quickly followed by both Aunt Petunia and Dudley.

"Yes Uncle Vernon," Harry said to the now empty dining room. 'Perfect!' he thought joyously. 'They fell for much easier then I could have hoped for. I just wonder what day they will decide to take me on.'

Harry did the dishes a bit slower than he usually did so that he could make his aunt and uncle sweat a bit. When he had finished, he dried his hands and walked toward the living room. When he entered he noticed that both of them were obviously uncomfortable and upset. They didn't even realize he was there till he spoke. "The dishes are done Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia."

Both jumped slightly and then glanced at the other. Finally his aunt spoke up. "We've decided that I will take you to London on Wednesday. Make sure you let them know what day because I won't take you back again if they make a mistake nor will we let them come here to pick you up. You will be ready to leave here early that morning and I will pick you up at 1:00 sharp. Don _not_ be late or you will take the train back. Do you understand what I have just told you?" she asked with a bit of anger in her voice.

"Yes Aunt Petunia. Was there anything else or may I go send them a letter now?" Harry asked quietly. He felt that cheering or even seeming a bit to happy wouldn't bode well for him.

"Yes, yes. Go now before they decide to come knocking on the door to find the answer," Uncle Vernon said quickly.

Heading upstairs swiftly, Harry congragulated himself on the success of his plan thus far. As soon as he entered his room he took a look around for Hedwig. Spotting her sitting in her cage, he spoke to her quietly. "Don't go anywhere Hedwig. I have a quick letter to write and then I'll need you to deliver it for me." She hooted at him and then took a quick drink with an air of waiting about her. Sitting at his desk, Harry grabbed some parchment. He started to write out a quick note.

_Tonks,_

_Wotcher! I'm writing to let you all know that I am doing ok. My uncle wanted me to write so that none of you end up coming by. Truthfully, I don't need his yelling if I do forget. I was wondering if you know when you, Remus, or Moody might be 'in the neighborhood' again. I wouldn't mind seeing a few friendly faces. As long as he Dursley's don't find out that is. That's about it I guess. Tell Remus I said "HI". Talk to you all later._

_Harry_

__

Folding up the letter and putting it in an envelope, he called Hedwig over. After telling her who the note was for and attaching it to her leg, he received a gentle nip on the ear and watched her fly off into the night sky. 'Heh, heh. Lets see what kind of response I get to that!' he thought amusedly.

Realizing exactly how tired he was, Harry decided to skip studying for the night and go staight to bed. Even though he despised the thought of resuming his lessons with Snape, he knew he wouldn't be able to get out of them. Therefore, he decided to try clearing his mind before he went to sleep each night in the hopes that he could improve how quickly he learned Occlumency and spend even less of his time with Snape. Upon completing his exercises, he laid down and quickly fell asleep to the worse dreams he had had since his first night back at the Dursley's.


End file.
